Friday, May 23, 2008

My father poses a question...

"So Mark, what do you want to do with your life?"

It's not like anyone hasn't been asked this before, and probably many times by a number of people. I'm sure it's not the first time my father has asked the question. For some reason though, I can't remember the last time he asked me, and the only reason I'm writing about it is because of the way he asked me. A lot of it has to do with our relationship and how it has changed in recent years.

I have a tendency to over-think and over-analyze, and I may be doing it with this recent conversation with my dad, but his question did strike me a bit differently. I think that he is worried about me. I think he's concerned not so much about whether or not I can keep a job or pay my bills, but more so about whether or not I will discover the internal drive in my life and how I'll use that to accomplish specific career goals. I think he's worried that at 29 years old, I don't know what I want in life and how I want to live it.

Maybe it's because we both get older and older. He talks about his time "being around" getting shorter and shorter. I'm older. He looks at others my age in his world, and they probably seem more grounded, stable; they seem to move along some sort of clear and defined path. In the past he may not have accepted certain paths I may have chosen, but I think he just wants me to have a path at this point. I guess for a father there is the possibility of leaving this life with a son still lost and wandering; in his eyes still a child without fatherly guidance and experience.

He wants to help in ways he knows he can, I believe. He's said it to me. Continuing education - he would pay for me to go back to school for business or economics. Would he pay my bills and mortgage while I train to get in to the UFC? Probably not. Who knows though? This is why his question to me now causes me reflect on it more than normal. I'm all of the sudden aware of his intense care and concern as my father.

Not that my father has never loved me or cared for my well being as his child. He has worked his whole life and was married having a first son before he met my mother. He then had me and my brother. He spent our childhood working a lot as well as taking a break from raising more children. My half brother is 20 years older than me; my dad had already gone through diapers, grade school, puberty and college tuition by the time my brother and I were in middle school. His absence was felt by the both of us as we grew up. Both parents were never there to be aware of any of the psychological mini-dilemmas that went on in our heads. Kids have their own existential conundrums, and I'm realizing now that it doesn't take much to help them process and deal - if someone is around.

As a result, the both of us grew up kind of lost and aimless. Motivation and drive were there. We saw our parents in their careers and followed their examples, albeit from afar. It helped us in school and other accomplishments. But as far as discovering who we were and embracing the unique part of our selves that every human being has - it was difficult to do so without having the guide and hands of you mother and father to show you the way. So you have these kids who become teenagers and then become young men without really knowing their parents; the parents not really knowing their sons. That family dynamic, whether dysfunctional or not is what we know; there are explosive and provocative moments, both happy and sad, amidst indifference and extremely isolated personalities.

Not that the majority of the people on this earth don't feel lost and aimless at some point, but that's the road we took to get there. My father sees us as adults now and because of his sudden awareness of age, I guess he has noticed that we are still in this aimless and lost place. It's still child-like in a sense, and it ultimately is up to me and my brother to develop out of this with what capability we have. But I think it worries my father - makes him think things like, "If I had only done this with them..." He probably feels partially responsible and feels he is in position to help because of his experience and other means of assisting through people he knows, money...etc.

So he's genuinely concerned and wants to help, I think. And it's genuine. It feels like love to me when he asks this and talks about this now. To me, it is a new experience to have your father talk to you like that. It's unfamiliar, scary, saddening, and somewhat relieving all at once. All in all, I think a good thing. As far as where my path in life heads, I am still struggling and lost - but less and less these days. Like I said, as a grown adult it is truly up to me to define how I want my life to be. I welcome my dad's concern, his willingness to help in the only ways he knows how. How I will I allow all of it to play out - I don't know. If anything, the relationship with my father will only get stronger. So I know that is a goal in my life - to repair and improve those important relationships. It is worthwhile for me to do that for my own soul.

As far as working on being lost, undefined and aimless, I think that right there defines something about the type of man I am and the life I would like to lead.

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